I'm on poetry.com.. Entered 3 poems. Hope to get at least one of them reviewed. Its when you mingle with people who are interested in the same things that you find out how much you don't know. Its no use being the 'best' among those who haven't a clue cos it won't do you any good. You'll never improve, except maybe on confidence. But it'll be false confidence.

For example, I played soccer with a bunch of indonesians downstairs just now. Whats the use of being the best among them? Honestly, they sucked. But I'm not being proud here and I'm not suggesting that I should have a mentality of elitism. I'm saying if you want to know where you stand and seek to improve yourself, look upwards.

::: Poem of the Day :::
"When You Are Old "

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars

by W. B. Yeats

Today I'll be going to practice at SCGS... for the concert. Slightly stressed cos I'm unfamiliar with the poppy style of playing. But I'm still looking forward to playing with the other musicians. Hope we can click quickly. We only have 4 days to do so. When I went for practice on Saturday, it was clear that those choir girls are talented... But their lack of energy just spoils the whole thing. Being unsure of the words, their dance steps and just the general effort being put in. Hope they fix that up soon.

Freelance drummer? Sounds classy but I don't feel adequate to be called that... People like Dennis or Gerald are more suited to that. I'm just a amateur emo-rock drummer. I've been watching drum videos... Trying to pick up more styles and techniques, but I'm not there yet.

Worship on Sunday... I love playing for worship like that. It feels like every beat I play is a form of worship. Every fill-in is done with a purpose to praise. Every crash is a cry to how magnificent and glorious God is. And I just enjoy playing like that. I really wonder whether the congregation could feel the presence of God through the music. It disturbs me to think that some of them could be focusing on the music or on the style. Some might be irritated at the 'noise'. But I feel that this is our act of worship as a band. As ShaoXiong says, to worship with all our heart, our mind as well as all our strength and to flow with the Spirit with our playing. Thomson and Joe, acoustic & lead guitarist respectively, were saying it was a bit messy. I didn't think so.

I don't know what I want... When I think of her, her face keeps changing. So that means I don't know. So I'll just take a deep breath and keep running.

I'm craving for Burger King right now. I think I'll rush down to the interchange after this lab ends.

You're dominated by your right brain, which makes you the artist. The degree in which you're dominated by the artistic brain depends on your score. The higher your score is, the more dominant this side of the brain is.

Not only are you highly creative, but you're also very emotional with a tendency toward sadness and despair. You have great spatial ability and are good at recognizing patterns. You would be at your best in a creative field such as graphical art, creative writing, poetry, music, drama, photography, etc.

Though the left brain has given man the means of survival, the abilities you possess to create and inspire has given humanity a reason to survive.

I personally think worship was wonderful today. Forget the technical problems we had. It was good. I loved it.

Still I yearn.
If thats what its called, then yes, I still do... These things just don't measure up. What I feel doesn't make sense at all. I just feel like crying again. I feel like screaming at someone. I feel like blaming someone. This cannot be my fault. But it always has been.
When life moves so fast that you forget how to feel. Or rather, you forget to feel... Then when the dust has settled, the emotions come at you like a ton of bricks.
Its one of those days where you don't feel like being good or holding back. Its coming to a point where you just want to hurt others so that they won't be happier than you. When you just want to curse at people. When you want to offend and destroy and shock them. It gets weird when people forget where you've come from and think that you've been goody two shoes all your life. When actually its a struggle day after day to make the right decisions to do the right thing. But to them, this is how you are.

But you'll be tested over and over again till you learn. Till it becomes really natural. Cos this is what you have to learn. This is 'entry-level requirements.' And if you put up a defence against it, it will slowly whit you away. But you know what to do.

Two looks. Thats all it took.
Pardon me... I need to go make myself blameless...

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way
then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.
|mae - skyline drive|

Its been a long day... started at 6am for me. Gotta go sleep soon. Playing tomorrow. But I just need to get this off my chest...

I will not be dragged into this. Say all you want. My conscience is clear. Go ahead. I can't change the way people think. I'm sorry if you feel this way. Just don't make it out that I intended this to happen. Your implications can ruin... Your explainations can kill. I am unclear, I am unsure. I do not know who, when or how. But you're not involved in this. This is my battle, my struggle, my war... For me to fight. I'm not holding you back. You can stop for all I care. But don't put the blame on me for not caring.

Once again... the former quote of the day... Check your sources. For teachings, explainations or advice. Or else EVERYTHING based on them will fail.

I despise hypocrites.

MY day can be summarised into four parts.

Career Fair in school today... All I learnt is that Hewlett Packard is cool! hahaha...
I have to finish my part of the report by tomorrow.
Practice was relatively good. Didn't start off very well but it improved as we played... So fun jamming & worshipping with them.
Late dinner at Blk 85...

Guess which was the highlight?
Goodnight...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Eventful or eventless...
There must be more to life than this.
This constant urge, this constant yearning...
Its tiring to keep it locked up, hidden away, tucked under, shut out...

Put to sleep you might say...
but sleep offers no escape
Crystal clarity even with my eyes shut
No rest... no hope...

And yet, I press on...
Like an insect that will not die
I trudge on through this endless journey
with the faintest glimmer in my mind

What you were like before
The best I could be with you
I give my all
but these futile efforts disappear

Like a spray of perfume
Diffusing into the wind
And not even the smell remains
What a waste... It was expensive

More than you can imagine
Less than you can achieve
It works out for your benefit
but more often than not, its not

As I offer these grey prayers
made in utter desperation and tears
Its unlikely that a change will arrive
Unlikely that it will change this lie

Its being contemplated
the options are being weighed
This cannot be real until the feeling is gone
Unless of course, you and I are both wrong

Creeping over me, solid gold weights
pulling my eyes shut
Nothing has happened
I'm back where I was before...

Possessed by perfection
in the eyes, those big brown eyes
I languish at the inevitable
They will never belong...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

		Acad Year:	2003	Semester:	2
TEST	ITEM	SCORE		GRADE	POINTS
A.	1-Min bent_knee Sit-ups	38rep		B	4
B.	Standing broad jump	235cm		B	4
C.	Sit-and-reach forward	38cm		C	3
D.	Half min pull-ups (Males)	8rep		C	3
E.	4 x 10m Shuttle run	9.7sec		A	5
F.	2.4Km Run Walk	12Min19sec		D	2
				Total	21

NAPFA AWARD GRANTED:SILVER
TEST CENTRE:TEMASEK POLYTECHNIC
DATE OF TEST:10/3/2004
DATE PRINTED:22/3/2004

Cool eh... I got silver for my NAPFA. I thought I would have just gotten a bronze. I think the people in charge gave me some leeway... They cut 15 seconds off my 2.4km run so that I would get a D and get my silver. The silver award requires at least a D for all test items. Thank God I don't have to go again!

Haven't actually written anything that made sense in a while. Why? Cos I've been too busy to think. Life has somewhat returned to normal. (based on what I remember 'normal' to be)
I guess this is how things are supposed to be? When responsibilities override emotions. So that you have no time to feel... And when you do have time, you don't know where to start.

She's gone so far, I don't see her anymore... But thats a choice she's made and I cannot do anything about it. As much as I would like her to be around, this is not my decision. There's a feeling of dread...
Imagine being on a train leaving a platform and you see a few people that you care about still on the platform. Some are running for the train still contemplating whether to jump on. Some are standing there looking forlorn thinking that they aren't able to come along. Some are laughing at me thinking I've made the wrong choice. And there she is... Holding on to her baggage which she wants to bring along. The same baggage which prevents her from getting on.
So I turn away and try to look forward but its a struggle between whats ahead and whats behind... And I feel that if either side doesn't win soon, I'll have neither...

Accompanied Xiong the most of saturday morning in his car following those who went for night cycling. I didn't cycle cos I was sick. Was out till 8-ish in the morning. Supposed to go for street E that afternoon but I felt really sick when I woke up.
Seeker service on sunday was good. A few minor problems with the sound but it was a really good production. After the message, 4 people came forward to receive Christ. A little kid, a teenager, a young adult and an old man. All ages and sizes!
Bought Story of the Year's album from HMV yesterday... Its quite good. Their style is quite varied. So its not boring. Went for a travel fair with Gan, Liwei, Nathan and Xiong. They're going to bintan next week. I won't be going. Need to save money!

What I would give to be free from responsibilties I don't enjoy doing. But you can't always enjoy what you do. Cos learning isn't always fun.

Every weekend is like a getaway for me. A holiday that makes me forget about school and the projects I have to do.

I need to read the bible more.

Gentleness is a weakness to some... I know that now.

::: Quote of the Day :::
.....I just felt like destroying something beautiful

Went for the Seeker Service practice just now... Not a bad play at all. Asked some disturbing questions. Questions that made me reflect... and remember. Made me remember that I wouldn't have gotten where I am today if certain things didn't happen. That somethings aren't achieved because I was special or talented or skilled in any way.

Thank You.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Maybe when you've seen it all
Or when you've tasted the forbidden
Then you'll realise that it won't be as you hoped for

Its ok but it might not be enough
When he gets tired of temptation
Then thats when he is truly free
He's learning to breathe...

His imagination still feels your hand
Cold as death, smooth as sand
Comfortable as time flies by
You never left his mind
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

::: Song of the Day :::
Opportunity rears as the night casts the shadows to chafe the day
Aniticipating the ease to plot his ways
Willing to instigate injustice and drink the grapes
And illustrate the character found born to fate
Drive the knife in deep to try to penetrate
As I convulse rendered numb from my state
Hands are tied my mind is fried
Shatter my comfort resulting control denied
Your intention's no secret in my absence
And the nightmares concur with the flashbacks
The scene is set for confusion the conflict oppresses
Deceptions a fruit of your wrong guesses

Rest with your eyes half open
And cringe at the thought of the face who blindsides to thwart your case
With no escape from the justice prevailing
The winds of death now die without failing
To beg and plead to find a way to feed themselves
On the blood of your starving needs
Live the sword and die by the tranquil stare
Of old habits resurrected and bare
Your lies lack evidence
You think twice about precedence
Reality's gagged by the forces that force the gate
And I'm reminded that I'm the one to hate

As I sort through my infinite mishaps I see how small I remain
The illusion has faded and what's left is a searing pain
Disappointment throbs with each breath that divides my path from the things I've sown
And I'm left broken as I search for home

Pierce straight past the addage the cliches of fools
That fool themselves by the games that pass the days
Home is not a residence to hang your costume
Or check your face for the spoon
But home is your mind set But home is your heartrest.
| project 86 - numb |

Good morning... Not going to school today cos I need the rest... Not feeling well. Feel very lethargic. I don't want to do anything. But I have to... Yucks.

Sometimes you look at someone and wonder... What if circumstances were different? What if you were older, wiser, more good looking? Would things be better? Would it be better for me?
Then you ask... how can someone who fits almost all the pre-requisites be so unsuitable as well? Then you sigh in reluctant acceptance and struggle to move on...

Its like those baby toys you play with when you were young. The one where you match the different shaped objects into the appropriate slots. Imagines there's this particular shape. Lets say a star... and there's a star shaped slot on the box... And so you try to fit the shape into the slot... But sickeningly, it doesn't fit! Its exactly the same shape! But it doesn't fit because its too big. As a kid I would complain, "Its not fair! Its the same shape!". Thats how i'm feeling now... Wahahaha.

So I spent yesterday with Shaoxiong, Pat, Gan, Dennis & Liwei. Slacked a lot. Went to parkway after church. Took a long time to decide where to eat. Finally decided to go to delifrance (ripoffs). From delifrance to adidas store to MacDonalds for ice cream and then to cash converters. I bought Project 86's "Truthless Heroes" for $5. Cheaply!
After much time spent on deciding how to spend our sunday, we decided to go eat Punggol Nasi Lemak. Spent another 3 hours there eating drinking and talking nonsense. Really enjoyed discussing things with them. Getting their views and opinions on Christianity, the worship ministry, future spouses, etc... There's no need to put on a front when I'm with them. Although you get stick from them once in a while (quite often actually) you know that they've got your back.

Going to eat porridge now... I feel old.

::: Quote of the Day :::
What is it you want and what reality permits are two very different things.

Good evening... Really glad that its the weekend. Slept till 1-ish today. I think I've overexerted myself this week. Both physically and mentally. Really want to get my projects done quickly.

Cell today was at Dennis' house. Its been awhile since we had cell at places other than church and my house. But getting there was quite troublesome. I guess its fair that we rotate then.

I always find it worrying that I don't have anything to write about. Cos to me, it means that I've not learnt anything new. Gotta go sleep early. I wanna go for pre service prayer meeting at 9am... Goodnight

Today I had my NAPFA test... Managed to pass all the stations. But sadly I didn't do well enough to get silver... Just a few seconds too slow on the 2.4 km run. I ran it in 12 minutes 34 seconds... I'm gonna go again next wednesday... So I've got my jogging schedule out already. Jog on Friday, Sunday and Monday. Then when I go again, I should be able to get a good enough timing and get silver award and exempt myself from the extra 3 months of NS.

Sometimes you question why... And you don't have any answers. So you just bite your lip and learn to accept the fact that you weren't good enough. Or maybe its not worth your time. You might think that its just avoiding the issue or running away from the problem. But whatever the case, its not worth your time.

Its time to sleep. I'm exhausted...

I've been watching a lot of movies recently. Just got back from Tampines Mall... Watched Mystic River with Joshua, Jeremy, Pat and Gloria. Clearly a case of how things can spiral out of control when everyone chooses to act irrationally, basing on emotions rather than on what is right... Some people may argue that it would be the right thing to do in that situation. That means we're basing on which is relatively more right. Not on concrete, definite, black and white decisions... It messes up a person see? Being wronged doesn't give you an excuse to do something bad to others... Justify pain with more pain?

Went for the 3LetterSessionsB CD Launch on Saturday... 2 words...
B l o w n A w a y ! ! !
Almost every band was good... Notably Sky in Euphoria & My Squared Circle. As always, going to a gig like that makes you wonder why you're still having dreams of being big in Singapore. But then I remember I play for God and nobody else.

The cell retreat was quite nice... Really good to spend the weekend with the cell basically slacking... Learnt more about some of my members which is good. Its things like this that make a cell grow. I think I had the best feeling seeing the cell come for sunday service together... As in seeing them walk through the door. It felt good. I played for service. Focussing on playing simple but steady beats on the drums and throwing in the fill-ins now and then... I think it sounded better.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This ringing in my ears tells me what I've left behind
And these countless tears remind me of what I've yet to find
Second chances spurned
Thrown away like dirty rags

When I feel as if I'm not good enough
Not good enough to stand on my own
Thats when people remind me
of my insecurity

Apathy

When my feet ache
and I've screamed enough for the both of us
I close my eyes
And dream... Of how it might have been

But this my comfort...
I'll always know that I walked away from you
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

And then I finally watched Big Fish... It was heart warming. I love the imagination and how Tim Burton brought it to screen. It reminded me of of those fairy tale stories from Jim Henson's the storyteller. Not as elaborately woven as Jim's but enjoyable nonetheless... They should have developed more on the discovery of the father's true character... the learning process.

Twenty one years old... Maturity? Isn't it what you do which signifies maturity? Is having fun immature? Is being light-hearted and talking nonsense immature? If maturity equals being boring, I don't want it. To me, being mature means sorting out your thoughts, thinking of the right course of action and then carrying out. Its a whole package. I've said this before... Thinking, by itself does not signify maturity. You can have people who think a lot and still do the wrong things. Or think a lot but in the wrong way.

ma·ture adj.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of full development, either mental or physical: mature for her age.

So we've handed in the milestone report for mobile programming... It'll be back to the Major Project (FYP) soon. I don't want to!!! Got back my mobile computing term test results today... I got the highest in the standard which is really a surprise...44.5 out of 50 marks! I like mobile!!! Hahaha. For the other test, Enterprise Multimedia, I got 14 upon 20... Not very good but I'm satisfied...

And last night Rudi sent me lunchbox's demo recording. Vocals a little off, but its a great song! I really like it! Inspired me to want to do a recording after school ends this april with cheapthrills... :P

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." -- Colossians 3:23-24

Some guidelines...

What is my real reason for seeing this person romantically?
What am I seeking that cannot be found in a friendship?
Am I selfishly seeking my own fulfillment?
Am I communicating to her?
Am I arousing emotions that I'm not ready or not supposed to meet?
Will she be hurt if I allow the relationship to proceed?
Is this relationship going to help or hinder her relationship with God?

Is this what keeps me from persuing a relationship? Or is it just my own inadequacy? My own fear of rejection?
As I've said before... I'm in the worst position. Knowing enough to stop me from doing the wrong thing, but not enough to keep me from wanting to do it anyway.

Desire...
Two sides of a coin. Two perspectives. But they come together. Just depends on which side you want to face up. There are times I wish I never had the coin. But I realise that to be foolishness...

What the heck is this about? I keep getting the impression I'm the bad guy, the stumbling block, the cause, the scum, the bastard... I'm the one who misleads, gives wrong signels, makes the wrong moves, at the wrong time. I'm at fault. Well, I admit I was... BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! But I will not be tied down by this. I will not let you try to squeeze guilt out of me. As far as I'm concerned.... YADDA YADDA YADDA!

No one gives a damn!
Stop complaining yeah? You've got your purpose and you've got to carry it out. Pick yourself up at move on. The world doesn't care... Its really sad but true... And after all has been said and done, you still have got move on. So do it and save the trouble. Live right so that you're winning. Feels like you're losing out? Then your perspective is wrong!

What are you going to believe?
Your emotions? Undependable
Your mind? Unreliable
Believe what the bible says... You know the truth. You know the verses. Its not supposed to make you feel better, although it might... You've supposed to learn to go on whether it feels good or not! Spirit over mind and body.

It feels like I'm deceiving myself!
Believing what the bible says is deceiving yourself? Faith doesn't rely on feelings and circumstances. Faith is believing that it happens before it happens. Speak out the truth. Feels like being in denial? You're in denial if you don't do it!

I've been having weird dreams lately... Dreams that are supposed to pull me down. But I won't let them. I thank God that He will provide for me when the time is right. The idea is not to try every key at every door. But to move on, learning and growing so that when the right door comes along, you'll know and enter.